Sunday, May 02, 2010

Criticism.

A comprehensive list of all my current flaws:
  1. Academics: I still don't know how to handle these well. In high school, the stress defined my existence. I never feel as tethered to anything as I do to my grades. This is unhealthy, but how do I undo years of conditioning?
  2. Fear: goes along with academics, but may be an even more deep-seated issue. I worry, doubt, existentialize -- have been this way since the age of seven (rough estimate). I overreact and very easily succumb to myopia. I become irritable and petulant, lose intellectual curiosity, constantly feel unworthy, hate the future, have the constant urge to read Nietzsche. A philosophical weakness?
  3. Toxicity: starts unnoticed, grows. Must keep a look-out for these cancerous tendencies, avoid resentment. Too many friendships have soured as a result of negligence to underlying annoyances.
  4. Caprice: I might actually have no real opinions about anything. 'Nuff said.
  5. Emotionality: cripples me from time to time, to my chagrin.
  6. Independence: obnoxious. I balk at expectations, idealize apathy. I'm not yet brave enough to risk anything substantial on anyone.
  7. Morality: Mine is very fluid, hardly consistent, and might even be so flimsy as to be nonexistent.
  8. Love: a habit developed during young impressionability and never broken, a maladaptive instinct fed by romantic ideals but which actually contradicts the rest of my impulses. In combination with my volatility, this is what I distrust the most about myself. May be aesthetically appealing, but only in the most perverse sense and at the expense of my autonomy.
  9. Stubbornness: momentary conviction about everything, despite long-term fickleness. In conversation, I never give ground. Unpleasant and unproductive.
  10. Honesty: layers that I will never figure out.
  11. Self-interest: thinly veiled.
  12. Family: I pay lip service to family, but I ran away as soon as I had the chance, and I never call. How stupidly typical.
Others pending. Could add so many more. But I guess it can't be helped.

2 comments:

  1. Wow. I think the list is a little harsh.

    ReplyDelete
  2. A low starting point means more room for improvement.

    ReplyDelete