Things I really want right now,

in no particular order.

1) Close siblings. Siblings I could regard as friends.
2) More sleep.
3) A better idea of what I want to do after graduation.
4) Dinner.
5) A really good novel to look forward to.

Kierkegaard.

I did a research capstone on Kierkegaard in high school; now, I'm revisiting him for a semester-long independent study. I look forward to my Thursday night spent in his presence. I'm convinced he knows me in a strange, duplicated-thoughts way.

Being able to forget depends always on how one remembers, but how one remembers depends in turn on how one experiences reality. The person who sticks fast in it with the momentum of hope will remember in a way that makes him unable to forget. Nil admirari is therefore the real wisdom of life. Every life-situation must possess no more importance than that one can forget it whenever one wants to; each single life-situation should have enough importance, however, for one to be able to at any time to remember it.

This is a philosophy, I think, that I could actually learn from. My only concern is how messed up Kierkegaard's actual life was -- a testament to the inefficacy of his theories, I'm sure. But I'm young, and so I get to be an aesthete for a while, right?

My daily dose of disdain.

It is directed, solely and wholly, at people who see themselves as victims. Grow up. No one's harassing you but yourself.

I find it reassuring . . .

. . . that my ex-boyfriend and I blame each other for our identical inability to stay out of love. If I'm going to be inconvenienced, someone else better be suffering too, damn it.

Plus I think he has it much, much worse than I do. So there's that.

Thoughts on 2010.

I was thinking about the year that just passed, thinking that it feels like more than a year has passed. Every year so far has more or less felt this way. I wonder when this will stop? When maturation ends, I'm guessing. Well. As long as I'm young and stupid and there are unexplored parts of existence, each year will offer up new experiences for me to inspect and then to hoard as evidence of having lived at all.

This particular year, new directions and new mentalities. First high, first unsupervised extended stay in foreign country, first apartment, first music festival, first solo trip to a city to visit friends, first blatantly illegal act (speeding not included), first audio piece produced. Unpleasant landmarks, too. First blemish on my academic record, first visit to therapy, first complete failure to live up to extracurricular expectations.

First time being pulled over. First full week of cooking for myself. First attempt to sneak back into house in a drunken state. First fuck buddy.

Fourth failed relationship. Second time getting too close to a friend despite predicting consequences. First tear shed over almost-failed friendship. Umpteenth avowal never to get attached again.

The fallacy of the story-teller: I like to think of life as cyclical. Junior year of high school was transformative; I think my third year at college has and will continue to prove so as well. I think therapy helped in that regard. I think I know myself better than I ever have before. I think I know what I want, or at least how to start knowing.

What I want is not a perfect GPA. Neither is it, I suspect, a perfect life. Nor is it complete self-reliance.

But I'll spare myself the embarrassment of having to shove my meaning into hackneyed words. :) Time to eat dinner, anyway, and to savor the last couple of days of break.